Grumpy Old "Shaq"

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - "Grumpy Old Men" was a 1993 comedy starring Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau and Ann Margret.

The film followed the travails of two elderly Wabasha, Minnesota widowers, John Gustafson (Lemmon) and Max Goldman (Matthau), who played lifelong neighbors that carried on a rivalry over just about everything.

Some people loved it.

I use the term "comedy" very loosely to describe it, but it did gross over $70 million at the box office, nothing to sneeze at in 1993. So, despite my negative review, a sequel called "Grumpier Old Men" was released in 1995 and trumped the first by grossing $71 million.

Despite the box office success, Mark Steven Johnson, who wrote both screenplays, never went for the trilogy. Johnson has never enjoyed the same kind of success since abandoning the "Grumpy Old Men" theme but is still bouncing around Hollywood, most recently writing the pilot for a TV adaptation of Preacher that was recently shelved by HBO.

Since he needs a new project, it's not out of the question that Johnson revisits his greatest triumph.

Of course both Lemmon and Matthau have long passed, meaning a new project would have to undertake a casting call.

I am recommending Shaquille O'Neal and Stan Van Gundy for the parts.

Van Gundy doesn't have the acting chops but is a natural for the role, so I am anticipating having to sell people on Shaq, despite his two Razzie Award nominations.

The big guy is certainly old -- at least by NBA standards -- and if his reaction to Van Gundy's accusation of flopping is any indication, he's getting grumpier by the minute.

O'Neal called his former coach "a master of panic," a "nobody" and "a front-runner" before his game against the Miami Heat on Wednesday.

"One thing I really despise is a frontrunner," O'Neal said. "I know for a fact he's a master of panic and when it gets time for his team to go into the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic. I've been there before. I've played for him."

The mini-feud erupted in the third quarter of the Suns' game with the Magic on Tuesday when O'Neal was checking his heir apparent as the game's most dominant big man, Dwight Howard.

Superman the sequel made a spin move on the original and O'Neal fell to the floor like he was Vlade Divac. There was no whistle and Howard deposited an easy jam.

Van Gundy certainly overreacted saying he was "shocked" by Shaq's devious attempt to draw an offensive foul.

"I was shocked and disappointed because he knows what it's like," Van Gundy said after the game. "You know, let's stand up and play like men, and I think our guy did that."

O'Neal, who played for Van Gundy in South Beach, took the bait.

"Flopping is playing like that your whole career," O'Neal said. "I was trying to take a charge, trying to get a call. Yeah, it probably was a flop, but flopping is wrong. Flopping would describe his coaching.

"I'm not going to sit around and let nobodies take shots at me. He is a nobody to me. If he thinks he can get a little press conference and take shots at me like I'm not [going to] take one back, he has another thing coming."

I'm not sure Shaq can pull off living in a Minnesota suburb but his acting career has been in a funk since "Blue Chips" and "Kazaam."

A solid supporting role in the "Shaq Episode" of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" was more than offset by awful cameos in "Scary Movie 4" and "The House Bunny."

"Grumpy Old Shaq" has got box office written all over it.